Five ways new printers will increase business

Let's look at five ways in which new printers will improve, upgrade, and sophisticate your business and really help to bring in the big bucks and the big spenders. It's time to get rid of those clunky old monsters with their smeary ink and other horrors. It'd be nice to look at a business letter, say, and actually be able to read it without hiring a professional interpreter of ancient runes. It'd be nice to not have to see those revolting lines running through everything. It'd be pleasant, for once, to look at a sentence and not think of a mouthful of broken teeth. And gee wouldn't it be great to print a big job in less time than it takes to formally impeach the president of the United States? Wouldn't it be great to print a small job in less time than it takes to complete a jigsaw puzzle of the complete texts of William Shakespeare? Yes, it would! On to the five improving ways, then.
1. The first way new printers will increase your business is through sex appeal. That is, they'll "sex up," as the current saying goes, your letters, documents, reports, charts, advertisements, newsletters, announcements, and so forth. The look of the thing is often more important than even the thing's actual content. First impressions, and so forth. New printers will increase your business through the beautification of those important printed items listed above. New printers will increase your business by getting rid of smears, lines, blobs, fuzz, bloats, and crookeds, devilish things all. You'd be amazed at the difference between a letter printed by an old printer versus a letter printed by a new printer. It's not merely a matter of certain mishaps and embarrassments being avoided. No, a new printer should be able to do much more than be reactive, it's got to be proactive. The point isn't to make your important printed items less ugly; the point is to make them more attractive to the eye, more impressive to the reader.

2. The second way new printers will improve your business is through time saving. New printers will save you quite a bit of time. New printers will improve your business by not forcing you to twiddle your thumbs as they groan and wheeze and pant and finally push out a single, dented sheet off paper, the text of which looks as if a nearsighted monkey had tried to write its name with an oversized crayon clutched tightly in its hairy left fist. No, new printers improve business by smoothly, silently tossing out sheet after sheet of gorgeous materials.
3. The third way new printers will increase your business is financial in nature. It's true that buying new printers is going to cost you more up front, but it's also going to save you lots of dough in the long run. Think about it. Why are you spending so much money on constantly replacing fast-draining ink cartridges that only bleed everywhere and render things unreadable in the first place? Why are you spending so much money on replacing paper? New printers will increase your business by allowing you to divert money that was going into propping up your critically wounded models into more fruitful and needed areas.
4. New printers will increase your business by giving you a wider range of options, such as printing in color, printing graphics, printing things in pamphlet or book form, making posters and exciting power point presentations, and so forth. Again, they'll save you money by allowing you to print first drafts of these complicated texts in a mode that doesn't use up as much of the printers' resources.
5. Finally, new printers will increase your business by allowing you to execute other important tasks, such as sending faxes, while swiftly and gorgeously printing the faxes themselves. New printers often come with other services that the enterprising businessperson could only dream of a few years back. New printers will increase your business by acting as helpful new employees rather than invalids with smeared eyes who are always begging for something to ease the pain.